The Story of Link's Past
by happiness theory
Summary: Read how Link was born from a horny couple and became The Hero of Time. Oompa Loompas.... Lucky Charms? WHAT NEXT? X.X Totally hilarious! Typed to piss your pants! oneshot


Heh.. I'm a bit too lazy to update my other stories. (If I had an editor, he's/she'd kill me) And these are another one of those one-shot fics that came up to my head randomly:D Yes yes... well I'll fast-forward my ramblings and the disclaimers and all and move on to the story.

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The Story of Link's Past

One-shot

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Tis a tale of how the beginning of a Legendary Hero came to be in our world. Though we were not referring to his parents mating to each other etc etc, we are referring to the idea that made the Legend of Zeldas on NES, Gameboy, and Super Nintendo look like crap. We, fellow readers, are talking about our hero on N64's Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Link, The Hero of Time.

Even though our Legendary Hero of Time has been one of the most centered characters in our Nintendo hearts, and has walked through fame throughout Nintendo history, our Hero's past wasn't what we had expected it to be.

Our Young 10 year old Link reaches his humble abode. He enters his home to his daily world of hell.

"Dick, it's about time you came home from school!" his mother scolded.

Dick/Link frowned at his given birth name. It was, as we would always would have said, gay.

"Anyway," his mother grew a grin. "Who was that girl you walked home from school today?"

"Saria..." Dick moaned.

His mother purred. "Rawr. A girl, eh?"

"Mom, she's my cousin..." (AN: In this fic, Saria and Link or... err... Dick are cousins)

"That doesn't stop you from.." his mother paused. "Well, you know..." She gave a grin.

"DAD!" Dick screamed becoming awfully afraid.

"Your mother is right, Dick. And as a member of the Dickerson family, it's about time for you to grow up and be a man, and make changes!" his father lectured walking over next to him resting his hand on Dick's shoulder making poor Dick fairly uncomfortable. "And since your... well... you know with this girl... I guess it's time for me to give you these, son." His father handed Dick a couple of condoms.

"WHAT THE HELL?" he screeched.

"Oh, my mistake..." his father said digging in his pocket giving him more condoms. "Here. A little man like you could be a little fiesty in bed."

"I'm only 10!" Dick retorted.

"Hey, your mom and I did it when we were 9," his father argued.

"THATS IT! I'M RUNNING AWAY! I'M RUNNING AWAY AND NEVER COMING BACK!" Dick cried and ran out of the house bursting into tears.

"DICK DICKERSON YOU COME BACK THIS INSTANT!" His mother yelled.

But poor Dick kept on running into the sunset.

"Oh, shit..."

"What is it, hun?" the mother asked.

"That little bastard left his condoms. You'll never know what kind of sheets he'll be staining tonight.." his father mumbled.

"Oh, my, yes.."

"But then again, our little boy has grown up to be a man! He's finally moving out!" his father said wiping his tears with a tissue.

"Do you think he'll take over the Red Light District business?" the mother asked.

"Maybe... maaybe..."

Thus, Dick but not yet Link set off to an adventure for a normal life. He wandered into a forest where he would think he would supposedly find his 'normal life.' Instead, he found Keeber cookie factory and decided to work and live there.

Though, his job didn't last long.

One day, Dick was making some Keeber cookies until the leader elf came along to Dick. "Dick, what the hell is this?"

Dick turned around to see leader elf holding a chocolate chip cookie. "It's a chocolate chip cookie, sir, I made them myself." he answered. "Is there anything the matter with it?"

"Anything? ANYTHING? HOW ABOUT EVERYTHING!" the leader yelled. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE? THESE ARE CHOCOLATE CHIP FRIGGIN COOKIES! WHY THE HELL DO YOU THINK CHIPS AHOY DOESN'T MAKE THOSE GAY COMMERCIALS ANYMORE?"

"Uhm... cause they're gay?" Dick answered.

"NO YOU SHIT-HEAD! CAUSE THEY'RE CHOCOLATE CHIP FRIGGIN COOKIES! EVEN OUR GOOD FOR NOTHING FAG CUSTOMERS' GRANDMAS' GRANDMAS' GRANDMAS' MADE THESE PIECES OF FUCKING SHIT! WHY THE HELL DO YOU THINK OUR CUSTOMERS WOULD WANT THEM NOW?"

Dick answered. "Well, just because it's an old recipe doesn't mean our cust--"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

"..."

"Look, Dick, a kid like you is ruinin' our economy just for these freakin' chocolate chip cookies. If you want to stay with your job, I suggest you should get rid of these damn shit." The leader elf said.

"Okay.. I'll get the trash ca--"

"YOUR FIRED!"

"But--"

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SANTA'S ELVES REJECTS TREE HOUSE COOKIE FACTORY, YOU FAGGOT, BEFORE YOUR NAME WILL BE CHANGED TO DICK DICK 'LESS' ON!"

Poor Dick sighed and left the factory,

And thus, Dick Dickerson continued his journey for normalness and fame. Ah, yes. I forgot to mention fame.

So, he signed up to be the Leprechaun of the Lucky Charms cereal commercial for $5 an hour.

After the first day of shooting, Dick laid in a motel 6 bubble bath tub in which the water was oddly brown. (AN: o.o;)

"Ahhh... this job isn't so bad..." Dick sighed in relaxation slouching deeper into the cold bubbly brown... tub.

All of a sudden, a kid popped his head out from the bath tub. "I want my Lucky Charms!"

"ACK!" Dick fell out of the bath tub with his little thing covered by a censor bar. (AN: o.o;;;;) "WHO ARE YOU!"

"Mee... waaant... luucky... chaaarmsss..." the boy said with his eyes turning mysteriously green and his mouth frothing...white...stuff. Slowly, and like the movement of a zombie, he went towards Dick. Dick grabbed a towel to wrap around his waist. He ran out of the motel to find zombie kids surrounding his motel room in a 50 mile radius saying, "Waaaaant...Luuucky... Chaaarrmmmss..."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Thus, Link/Dick immediately quit his job and was replaced by the original Lucky Charms leprechaun that we all know and love who was coincidentally having an affair with the Trix rabbit.

Well, anyway, Dick decided to work for Willy Wonka at the Chocolate Factory. Thus, he became an official Oompa-Loompa. It wasn't so bad at first.

"Oompa-Loompa doompity doo..."

All you had to do was make riddles into songs in the most irritably annoying way.

"I've got a riddle just for you..."

And you get to make candy.

"What do you get when a pirate gets hung?"

Sad part is, Wonka doesn't cover dental.

The Oompa-Loompas chattered among themselves to make up an answer.

"HE GETS SPRUNG!"

Indeed, for once, Dick enjoyed his job. He gets to make and eat candy and sing songs all day.

Unfortunately, it got dull real fast.

Dick chewed on his millionth piece of bubble gum as his splitting headache hurt more as the Loompas continued singing.

"...I've got a riddle just for you," they sang.

Dick moaned. He felt like throwing up with all the candy he ate and all the singing he heard all day.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"

"SHUT UP!"

The Loompas remained silent among themselves. "THAT DOESN'T RHYME!" yelled one of the Loompas breaking the silence.

"Shut up! I'm sick of singing, I'm sick of working.. I'm sick of wearing this god-awful clown makeup. Jesus Christ, I look like Kill Joy!" Dick whined. "And most of all... I'm sick of this candy!"

The Oompa-Loompas gasped. One of them pressed an Emergency button which made the whole Red-Alert routine.

Everyone panicked, except for Dick who was too sick to.

Finally, the Johnny Depp Willy Wonka appeared. "Alright you ugly little midget freaks, what is it now? I was just in the middle of mastur-- I mean-- meditating."

"Dick doesn't like his job, sir."

Willy walked up to Dick with that ugly smile of his. "Why don't you like your job, DICK?"

Dick twitched. "Why don't I like my job? WHY DON'T I LIKE MY JOB?" Dick jumped on Willy clutching on his neck collar. "I'LL TELL YOU WHY I HATE MY JOB!" He screamed. "OOMPA LOOMPA POOPIDY DOO! I GOT A FUCKING COMPLAINT JUST FOR YOU! ONE, I'M SICK OF EATING THIS DAMN CANDY! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? GROW UP FAT AND DIE OF AN ANEURISM? DO YOU WANT MY BEAUTIFUL YOUNG TEETH TO ROT AND FALL OFF? HELL, YOU DON'T EVEN COVER DENTAL! TWO, WHY THE HELL DO WE HAVE TO SING? WHY DO WE HAVE TO SING THE SAME FUCK-ING TUNE OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND MAKE UP THESE GOD AWFUL RIDDLES? DO YOU THINK KIDS WOULD LIKE THIS SORT OF SHIT? CAN'T WE SING SOMETHING ELSE LIKE MADONNA OR SOMETHING?"

And Oompa-Loompa nudged another and whispered in his ear. "Who listens to Madonna?"

"THREE, JOHNNY DEPP, YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKING NERD WHEN YOU SHAVE LIKE THAT! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU SUPPOSE TO BE, MICHAEL JACKSON?" Dick screamed.

Willy smiled. "Oh, yes, yes I am..."

"What?"

Willy/Johnny took off his outfit and revealed his true identity, Michael Jackson. "Let's play, Dicky!" He sang.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

After Dick escaped his 'adventures' with Michael, he decided to go to McDonalds to clear his mind.

(AN: This idea came from an FF8 fic)

He walked up to the clerk. "Hello, may I take your order?" she said with big white shiny teeth.

"I'll take a Kids Meal with Chicken Nuggets and some Root Beer, please." Link moaned gloomily.

The clerk cocked her head to the side still smiling which was awfully creepy. "Sir, your not smiling..."

"Of course I'm not..."

"But why aren't you smiling?"

"Cause I'm not happy."

"Here in McDonalds we serve to make you happy and we love to see you smile." The clerk said. "What can we do to make you smile?"

"Go fuck yourself."

The clerk seemed to ignore the vulgar comment and continued to smile. "Come on, Dick, smile."

"How do you know my name?" He asked.

She continued to smile ignoring him. "Smile." She said becoming more persistent.

"No."

"Smile."

"No."

All the customers turned to Dick and smiled. "Smile, Dick, it's fun."

Dick's eyes widened. "I-I'm gettin' outta here!"

Before he can reach the exit, jail bars fell in front of all of the possible exits making it impossible for him to escape. He panicked and turned to the clerk who was still smiling after pressing the 'emergency' button. "Not until you smile, Dick."

She pressed another button and a silhouette began walking towards him.

"N-no... it can't be!" Dick stuttered. "I-It's... its..."

"YOUR FATHER!" The figure said.

"No, actually, my father is a manwhore... You're Ronald McDonald." Dick corrected.

"Oh.." Ronald said. "Why won't you smile?"

"..."

Ronald began juggling.

"..."

Ronald began to tame a Lion.

"..."

Ronald began to do all these crappy clown antics.

"..."

"Why won't you smile?" Ronald asked with that smile on his face.

Suddenly, Dick finally snapped and blew a punch at Ronald's face so hard, it knocked the building down. Everyone died except Dick.

"DAT WAS AWESOME!"

Dick turned around to see Eiji Aonuma, Producer of Zelda, and the creator of Nintendo in which we all forget his name. "YOU AWE POFECT!" Eiji-sama exclaimed with his lips not going to the words he says.

"Wh-what?"

"Fwum now on, you will staw Nintendo's Legend of Zelda!" Eiji said.

"SWEET!" Dick said.

"But we must give you name..." Nintendo creator pondered.

"HOW ABOUT LINK!" Eiji said.

"Why Link?" Link asked.

"Becaw, Eiji like to see da ladies get fawk--" Nintendo Creator got interrupted by Eiji.

"OKAY! FWUM NOW ON, YOU CAN'T TALK! JUST YELL AND SQUEAM WHEN YOU FIGHT!" Eiji said.

"Why?" Link asked.

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU?"

"Well you said--" Link's tongue got tied when he saw Eiji glare. "..."

And that's how Link became famo--

Oh crap, I passed the limit of letters I was suppose to use for the story. Well anyway...

THE END

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hehehehehehe... I really did hope i didn't offend any Japanese people out there. I had to make the dialogue... realistic... o.o; But I'm Azn too people so peace out peace out.

Hope you thought it was funny! And I hope I didnt end it too fast!


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